Before I type what I am about to type, if being in your religion gives you much joy, or if you choose to stay religious and it gives you happiness, then by all means stay religious and by all means praise and worship God all you want. My goal isn’t to take you away from religion, and that will never be my goal! In fact, it would be quite ignorant to say that religion isn’t helping somebody, cause statistically it is helping people. My Mother is Catholic, and it’s helping her tremendously. I’m just here to give an alternative opinion as to what is going on.
So, I can’t tell you how many times I hear that this particular person is a good person, or this particular person is a bad person. In reality, there is no such thing as a 100% good person, or 100% bad person, everyone is a combination of both. Some people tend to show mostly good traits while others might show mostly bad traits, but regardless everyone is a combination of both good and bad.
Something I find most Catholic’s doing is, any traits most people consider to be bad, they assign a label for it or give a judgement call to it. Most Catholics label bad traits as demonic or evil. The problem is, is that, most Catholics don’t innerstand that when they label a trait as demonic or evil, that they are inadvertently calling certain parts of themselves evil or demonic.
I know what’s going on here…you’re having an internal war within yourself right? And that’s because you’re trying to do the right thing, and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s a very noble way to be. But, in return, you’re making yourself miserable cause you want to do what’s right, and again, there’s no shame in wanting to do the right thing. I catch myself wanting to do the right thing too.
Something you have to innerstand is that Earth runs on duality. Good vs. Evil, Light vs. Darkness, Pro-life vs. Pro-choice, etc… So, because Earth runs on duality, we as huemans have a dualistic nature. And because we have a dualistic nature, and because we are dividing good and bad traits all the time, you’re going to experience an internal war with yourself. I know that’s what’s happening with you because I used to be the same way. The trick here isn’t to push away negative traits and ignore those traits, rather it’s to integrate and heal those traits that we do not care for about ourselves.
Try to do some inner-child work. You can look this up on Google. What you will find is, these traits that you label “evil” or “demonic” isn’t what those traits are. What it is, is the little kid inside of you who needs some tender love and care and who needs to be healed.
For example, so I’m one of those people who tend to display more bad than good traits. For whatever reason I have more bad traits than good traits. And, for a long time I thought I was for sure going to hell and constantly displease God. But then, I realized that I have more of a shadow side than I do a light side. And for a long time I had this internal war of trying to be a good person. But when I started doing what they call “Shadow Work” and when I started doing inner child work, I realized that these traits that I was labeling demonic, wasn’t this archetype of a demon or a monster. It was simply little kid me who needed to know that he’s worth it. I figured out that I go against the grain. And there’s nothing wrong with that. When Jesus was in a hueman body, he constantly went against the grain, cause no one else dared to do what he did, which was to spread the Gospel of love.
I’m a natural rebel. I think the current system that I live in (I live in America) is a joke. I hate the systems of control that most huemans have agreed to. And being a rebel doesn’t make me a demonic or evil person, it just means that unlike most huemans, I’m not afraid to stand up to the elite. I’m not afraid to call people out on their “crap” so-to-speak. Part of the reason I exist is to cut through the crap and see the truth in everything. Yes, most huemans don’t know how to take me, and in a way I kind of like it like that.
Something I have figured out is, I’m a mirror for others. Because I display some undesirable traits, I tend to trigger people. Do I get triggered? Yes, not as much as I used to, but I still do. And when you have a trigger, that’s God telling you that you have an unhealed pain inside of you that you need to work on.
So, instead of thinking that you are hurting God everytime you sin, instead heal this part of you. God made you perfect as you are. You are not broken, you’ve just pushed away parts of you who need your attention to not only integrate (or re-own) but to also heal those parts.
I’m part of the 2%, I don’t fit-in anywhere. I never have, and maybe I never will. But, one luxury I do have, is I don’t have to put up with petty stuff. I don’t have to put up with someone who judges me. I have 1 really good friend that I get along with, and he accepts me for exactly who I am. And yes, even God accepts me for who I am. I’m just naturally rebellious, but I’m the good kind, I’m not hooked on drugs or alcohol, but there’s a lot of things that go on in this life that I could care less for. But God makes us all beautifully unique, and thank God for that, cause unlike some people, I have no desire to be “normal” or be “labeled.”
I hope this helps, I know this is coming from a non-Catholic perspective, but I know all too well what you’re going through. You have an internal war going on within yourself, and the only way to stop that war is to face your dark side head on, and integrate and heal the parts of you that need you to heal them. Once you learn how to carry duality within you, life changes but for the better. God doesn’t make junk, and you are anything but junk. You are a child of God and it doesn’t matter how you’re wired or who you are, you were created perfectly and loved immensely!
I know this isn’t coming from a Catholic Perspective, but, maybe this’ll give you the peace of mind that you need. I know thinking this way has helped me tremendously.