I am very much anti abortion, as much as can be, please don’t get me wrong. But I just wish I either died very young/were aborted or never existed. Is this a sin?
It is sinful to take our own life……..but it is not sinful to wish we were never born. You are not alone. This is very common. If we look at AI online we see that there are hundreds of thousands of people who wish to stop their earthly existence by ending their own lives.
Even God says to Adam and Eve in the Bible that because they have succumbed to the tempatation of living outside of His jurisdiction, exploring the world of duality (the world we live in today) their lives would be very difficult.
But then God sends His ambassador, His son, to gather us and take us home. Jesus gives the example of the “prodigal son”. The son may have a very wealthy father, but he is living in the streets. He has forgotten how nice it can be living with the father at home. So Jesus comes to take us home again. We are all prodigal sons and daughters, living outside of the Garden of Eden.
Why does Jesus have to come here, to this material dimension? Because it is filled with beings who are determined to seek their happiness and their fortune at the expense of others. Therefore the history of this planet is the history of exploitation, the history slavery, the history of revolutions, and the history of wars for the purpose of exploiting the resources of other nations.
In this world even the wealthiest person lives in constant fear. Doors are locked. Cars are locked. Policemen are required. Thieves are everywhere. The prisons are filled. Hospitals are filled with the sick and dying. We need car insurance, home insurance because homes are destroyed and vehicles have accidents. This is life outside of the Garden of Eden, which is actually the spiritual world.
We are all “Adam and Eve”. The church calls it “original sin”. We are born with self-centered inclinations which cause us to be hurtful to each other. And no one is satisfied. Therefore we need constant distraction and constant consumerism.
The only thing that we lack, in order for us to make our lives complete…..is a living sense of loving reciprocation with God. And very few have this. It’s not about being an official member of one religion or another. God is not interested in having a big membership. What God really wants from us is our love. Jesus says that the most important rule of all spiritual teachings is to love God with all of our heart, mind and strength. This is not about being a good boy or girl. It is about having spontaneous feelings of love for God, just as we do for our family members, or our dogs and our cats, or our boyfriend or girlfriend.
God is a person. But He is the supreme person. He is not in need of anything. He actually owns everything. All the gold in Fort Knox really belongs to God. All the oil wells, all the farms, all the factories…….He is the creator of all that exists. We claim ownership….but we don’t own anything. We come into this world naked and we leave with nothing. But God wants one thing from us more than anything else: He likes to be loved.
And when we learn how to unlock our dormant love for for God that is buried within our hearts, this is when we begin to have a sense of His loving reciprocation. Then instead of being the walking dead, we really begin to live, and to love our lives.
There are many saints in the history of the church. They all had similar symptoms. They lived with very little, on the basic minimum of belongings. They had no care about material status in society. They had no care of material profits. All they wanted was to glorify God with every thought, word and deed. And they were happier than everyone else on the earth. As David writes in the 23rd psalm, “My cup runneth over.” They are so happy that they can’t contain it.
This is the only thing missing your life. But you are not alone. We are all pretty much in that condition. There are some few who are closer to God…..and they are happier than the rest of us.
I felt like you do. I was raised in a home of atheists. So it never occurred to me to look for God. I tried to find happiness in all the wrong places. And finally I met someone who was so fulfilled with love of God, that just by being in his presence, his association, this created enough faith in my heart, to decide that I wanted to know what he knew, to feel what he felt. I’m still just a beginner in this spiritual life……but now I have hope…..and happiness. I am still forgetful. I still get distracted. But when things start to look bleak……I remember where my happiness lies, and I begin to reach out again, to open my heart, and try to make a connection with God. Then the sun beings to shine again (figuratively speaking).
You can do this too. If you reach out to God, trying to make a living connection……..He will help you. He’s not hiding. He’s just waiting for us. Jesus says, “Knock and the door will be open to you.” I have a long way to go. But at last I have a sense of direction.
Well said. I too look back on my life and things I’ve done wrong, mistakes I’ve made, painful memories of things people did to me, and wish I could erase a lot of it. But if I had died really young, it would have caused a lot of pain to my parents. And I hope I have made a positive difference in other people’s lives and that their lives would not have been as good if I had not been around.
The saddest thing I heard while praying outside an abortion clinic was a pro-abortion demonstrator say, “I wish I had been aborted.” I understand the feeling, but I pray that she will be a blessing to somebody who will give her a sense of worth. I’m not saying you lack this, Sister Nightingale. My own feelings are all about my own pain. Yes, we are hurting, and I don’t see how it can be wrong to wish for an end to the hurt or want to undo it. I sometimes just need to get the focus off myself.
Steve, I confess that you have brought tears to my eyes. You see, I want to put forward the understandings that have been given to me…….but I’m also fearful that my way of expressing things will cause discomfort to others……and it will come back on me. But as always, you are kind and gentle. Your words are a comfort to my childlike heart. 
The simple answer is yes. But, there is also honesty and a rawness to admitting to having such thoughts.
I recommend you to read/re-read The Book of Job.
He, at times, felt this despair that you describe, but there is hope in the midst of great suffering and loss.