I need advice. Please read my situation and advise.
I (31 F) an engaged to a (26 M), he’ll be 27 at the end of this month though if that context matters. If this bothers you, read the rest of this paragraph. If it doesn’t, you can skip this paragraph and move on. I look very young for my age. People always think that I’m 5+ years younger, and when I’ve tried to date guys my age and slightly older they used to insult me for looking like a minor and even did creepy pedo roleplay. I’ve even had a date get in trouble with the police because he warned my date not to go any further with a minor. I was a few weeks older than my date, mind you! People think my fiance is my age or older than me, even his parents admitted it. So this age difference is a good fit. Plus, he has autism and I have ADHD, so we both kind of have that less adult way of speaking if you know what I mean. This is not my dilemma, I just figured I needed to include a disclaimer with introducing that age difference, because I’ve seen how people online are.
Start of my dilemma:
My problem is that he wants to use condoms for the first 2 & 1/2 years when we are married. I feel like I’ve been waiting so long to get married and we still can’t make love to each other completely without inhibitions or a latex middle man. I feel like I finally got the engagement that I’ve been waiting so long for, but the excitement of settling down and potentially starting a family is still out of my reach. So I feel like the engagement is kind of fake in a way. I feel like I got what I’ve been wanting, but didn’t at the same time. (I’m not saying that I want to start a family right away, but I want to take on the “risk” of unprotected sex, because it’s exciting to me, we could meet out child at any moment)
He’s definitely a family man who wants marriage and kids. The reason why he wants to use condoms for the first 2 & 1/2 years is because he’s in the middle of getting his PhD and he has so much anxiety, that perhaps his autism amplifies. And finances is one of the biggest things he has anxiety over. He wants his kids to be secure when they come into this world and for us to be secure with them. I knew that I wanted to avoid this situation at all costs, on the Catholic dating site I used, I specifically avoided guys who had plans for graduate school. But, in this economy I failed at avoiding this situation.
The condoms problem is also something I saw coming because on his dating account it asks if there’s anything you disagree with the Catholic Church on and his only response was contraception. I still do not regret choosing him. He still was my best choice by a long shot. It is so impossible to find someone who checks all of your boxes. He truly far exceeds my expectations and I’m so grateful every day that I was able to snag him at the last minute and escape the horrors of dating sites and modern dating in general.
I want to be honest with him about my feelings ahead of time (he already knows that I’m not a fan of this btw, it’s not good enough apparently. He doesn’t know how strongly I am against this). But I know that I can’t because his anxiety gets so overwhelming he will freak out. Also, he values his mother’s opinion and his mother is super controlling, and I definitely do not want her involved in this. I think worst case scenario is he will leave me (I really don’t think this will happen, I’m just a very technical person and trying to think of every possible outcome). And second worse case scenario is he’ll get his mom involved. But I just think it will go south if I try to be honest with him about it ahead of time before our wedding (we are getting married in 8 months).
I think my two best options are A. waiting until we have our meeting with the priest and I can bring it up then and have the priest hopefully take my side. That way, he can’t get his mother involved because religion is the only thing he doesn’t respect her opinion on. The problem with this option is that I don’t have too much confidence with this particular priest being passionate about fighting for this cause. I could explain why I feel this way, but I don’t want to go into details out of respect for him, so just trust me. B. Refusing to have sex with the condom when we’re married. He can’t force me to do anything I refuse to do. But, I really don’t want a huge fight on our wedding night.
Since he will have a low paying job for the last year of his PhD, combined with a pregnancy lasting 9 months, we theoretically only have to use a condom or natural family planning for 6 months into our marriage instead of 2 & 1/2 years. I’m fine with that and he’s very reluctantly agreed to that before, but he’ll probably forget and keep pushing the condom for as long as he can because of his financial anxiety.
It wouldn’t be stressing me as much as it is if it weren’t for all kinds of friends and family around my age starting their families. It reminds me of the fake engagement feeling. My fiance’s cousin is marrying someone who he had a child with outside of wedlock, so if anything, their engagement is the fake one. So why does it feel like mine is? For context, they’ve been dating for 1/3rd of the amount of time that we have. They’re only getting married because they have to.
God usually answers my prayers when I ask Him for advice, but this time I got nothing! And I’m very upset about that.
I can’t ask my mom for advice like I normally do for the same reason I can’t talk to my fiance. She has a ton of anxiety too and freaks out until I do what she “advises” me. They’re very similar in that way. And she’s very Catholic, I can’t have her freaking out about this right now.
I never mentioned yet that I have a lot in savings, and I have a job. But I have to get another one to move in with him for marriage. Also, he makes around $20K just for being in the grad program. So it won’t be financially ideal with him still in school, but we’ll have more money than most people who start out with a baby.
He might be understanding if I push to him that the Catholic Church is against this. He really wants a Catholic marriage and has a lot of respect for rules. So I might be making a mountain out of a mole hill here. I just need advice, I don’t want to step on a minefield and mess anything up. He has made me the happiest and most confident I have ever been in my entire life.
My advice? Well, first of all I’m an ex-Catholic, so keep that in mind when you read my reply.
But, my advice? Follow your heart. If he’s really good to you, and he checks all the boxes, and is really one heck of a guy, then marry him. Look, life is way too short to be worrying about the technicalities. I know your religion is adamant about not using contraception, and I innerstand your concerns. But at the same time, what you have is precious. I can’t tell you how many women I know who want nothing to do with a man. That they think they don’t need a man and can do just fine without a man. So, by you coming on and saying this speaks volumes. Don’t let a good thing be ruined all because he wants to use a condom. And, it’s kind of funny to me, because condoms aren’t very reliable LOL! Even on the package of condoms, there’s like a 2% chance of it not working (but personally if you ask me, I think the chance of getting pregnant is higher than 2%, but I don’t blindly believe whatever it is I’m shown anyways).
Just follow your heart sweetheart. Life is way too short to not be married to someone who is an obvious catch. No one is perfect, but you know what? That’s what makes life worth living. Cause if everyone was perfect, what a boring place we’d be living on. Get married girl, enjoy your youth! I think a loving God will innerstand.
Are you Catholic? Is he Catholic? If not, I have concerns. Not that two unevenly yoked Christians or non-Christians can’t get Married, but you will have a different understanding or morality if one is and one is not. Does this make sense?
I would caution you again. I had a cousin who Married a non-Catholic who said she wasn’t ready to have children, but told him that she does one day want to start a family. A few years into the Marriage and she still was not ready to have children. What was birthed in their relationship was resentment and bitterness towards one another. We come from a huge family. And family is very important in the culture that we grew up in. Needless to say, their Marriage failed.
I know you do not want to hear this, but you should not be getting Married if neither of you are open to possibility of life. He may become resentful of you or his son/daughter if you were to conceive and that is not good. And in fact, that is a sign of immaturity on his part, if that would be his response to an unwanted child.
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He’s definitely a family man who wants marriage and kids. The reason why he wants to use condoms for the first 2 & 1/2 years is because he’s in the middle of getting his PhD and he has so much anxiety, that perhaps his autism amplifies.
Then wait until he gets his PhD to get Married. If he is not willing to wait, then I question his true motives.
If this is the case, then I would argue that he will never be ready to have children. Because, what is enough money? I have a brother who makes twice as much as I do and it is still not enough.
If fore valid reasons money is a concern, then Natural Family Planning (NFP) is an option for couples who are open to life, but want to avoid pregnancy. I will tell you that NFP is not easy, but a blessing. It takes a husband and wife who first, love each other unconditionally, and, second, have the maturity and self-control to abstain during fertile times, without taking it personal.
Our Grandparents raised a family during the Great Depression and through World Wars. Was it difficult? For sure. My Grandma lived like she was still living in the Great Depression long after. And it was this willing to sacrifice and love her family that shaped who we all are.
Red flag.
I would not want to be in today’s dating scene. I am so thankful that met my Wife before smart phones. Dating websites were just starting to be a thing, but it was seen as creepy at that time.
I also know what you mean about “checking all the boxes.” My Sister just turned 36 a few days ago and she has been trying to find a spouse for years. She is looking for Mr. Perfect and there is no such thing. She is a Vegan, but politically conservative. She went on dates during Covid with guys who would run when she told them that she was not triple-vaxxed with all 8 boosters. They bought into the lies and fear. Vegans used to be the ones who cared natural things (like not consuming things that were not natural, and breast-feeding your children), but the pendulum has swung so far that “trust the science,” became more important than their principles.
It is unfair to him if you don’t tell him your true feelings on this. And if you fear losing him over it, then it is not good to hide it from him as well. I had to tell my girlfriend (now my Wife) that I was felt God calling me back to my Catholic Christian Faith and I feared losing her, but I had to tell her anyway. It was not easy and it did not go well, but when she was able to calm down and we could have a conversation about her concerns, she did not dump me and now she is Catholic and we will be celebrating 20 years of Marriage : )
I have a question concerning his anxiety issue (as you have brought it up multiple times).
Is he manipulating you with threats of “anxiety” or are you assuming things? What I man is, my mother-in-law is Married to a man who is closer to my Wife’s age then to her age (she is Married to a younger man). There are times when we invite them over for Supper and she says, “Steve won’t want to come, because of…” My problem with this is that she is afraid to ask him if he wants to come over, because in other times he has not wanted to, but other times he does. But, she does not know what he will say, she is afraid to ask him, because he gets in certain moods where he responds like a child. They have a more of a mother/son relationship at times.
I am a mother’s boy myself, but my Mom was never super controlling. I have no problems with mother’s boys. I think it is concerning if he values his mother’s opinion over his and his Wife’s. That is also a sign of immaturity.
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I think worst case scenario is he will leave me (I really don’t think this will happen, I’m just a very technical person and trying to think of every possible outcome).
It is a possibility, but you need to not try to assume the outcome before it happens. That isn’t fair either. I mentioned that this is what my Wife’s mother does in her relationship and it is not healthy. What happens is you become afraid to share your true self.
Again, a sign of immaturity. Red flag.
What I think you should do is have an honest discussion. Maybe you should postpone the Wedding until he gets his PhD. If he is not willing to wait, then I question his willingness to sacrifice for you one you are Married. Marriage does not magically make everything better. It magnifies the things that are already a red flag.
A Marriage that has a foundation in God’s grace can get better, but a Marriage built on selfishness does not get better, it gets bitter.
I don’t think you should blind-side him.
Is his Mom Catholic?
Our Priest was awesome during the discernment process. He flat out told us what he thought would become an issue in our Marriage (that neither of us are great at making decision-making). He did not sugar-coat it, but he also did not see it as something to be too concerned about, just something to be aware of. It is ultimately up to us to discern. It is not up to our Priest (although I believe a Priest has the right not to Marry someone that he does have concerns about, because Marriage is important and should not be entered into lightly) and it is not up to our Mom’s (though we are called to honor our mother & father).
This also would be blind-siding him. He must know your intentions before you guys get Married and before you meet with the Priest. This would be a sign of respect on your part to share with him your views prior to both.
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Since he will have a low paying job for the last year of his PhD, combined with a pregnancy lasting 9 months, we theoretically only have to use a condom or natural family planning for 6 months into our marriage instead of 2 & 1/2 years.
I can’t tell you what to do, but putting a barrier between us in the Marital act is not an option. And NFP works, but requires two mature adults to be on the same page. My Wife and I practice Natural Family Planning and it does take sacrifice, but so does Marriage in general. I will tell you that my love and attraction towards my Wife only grows over these twenty years (twenty-five if you include the years we dated before we were Married). And for the record, we did wait until Marriage.
Again with the anxiety. Is he using it as a form a manipulation or are you assuming things, this is what I would need to know. I do not want to accuse either of you one way or the other, but this is a question that needs to be asked.
I do not know them, but this does not automatically make a Marriage invalid. There are times when a couple have done things the wrong way and then experience conversion in their lives and then do things the right way. But, again, you know them and I do not, so your assessment could be accurate. They could be just doing it for all the wrong reasons.
My Wife and I could have gotten Married very quickly in our relationship, but I did not feel that I was mature enough and so I waited another five years to ask her. I think waiting until I mature enough (25) was the right decision.
The only thing that I wish is that we would have had more children while we were younger. She was still going to College and we, together, decided to space out our children, but then when we were actually not, not trying, it took us a few years to conceive. And then we lost our third child late in the pregnancy, which was very difficult (which becomes more common with age).
Because in a way it is fake. If you contracept on your Wedding night and every night there-after for two years, you have not yet consummated your Marriage. Technically, you will not have completed the Wedding process. You made your vows.
It would be like a Christians who makes their vows to God, but then never actually gets Baptized, received First Holy Communion, and Confirmation (solidifying our Covenant in Jesus Christ). But, this is not all that is required to be in a forever relationship with God.
The same is true of Marriage. Marriage takes unconditional love, commitment, sacrifice, communication, forgiveness, unity, and grace.
God has answered. Have you read His Word (the Bible) and sought the teachings of the Church that Christs founded to settle disputes about matters of faith & morality?
As I mentioned, this discernment process is yours. You can get the opinions and wisdom of others concerning what you should do, but in the end, it is your decision.
Do not move in together before you are Married! Your chances of failed Marriage sky-rockets for those who live together before they are Married!
It takes more than following the rules. Jesus compared His relationship with the church as that of a Covenantal relationship between a Husband and a Wife. I would encourage both of you to read Ephesians 5:21-33 and take it to heart.
If one of you does not have a “reverence for Christ,” then right out the gate, you are not taking Ephesians 5 to heart. This is not about just following rules. It is about living a life-long and grace-filled relationship. One that grows deeper as you go trough trials together.
Begin with Prayer. And if you discern that this man would make a good Husband and father of your children, then tell him that he has made you the happiest and most confident you have ever been in your entire life. And that you have something that has been on your conscience for a while and that you fear that it might not be received well. Do not mention “anxiety,” at all in the conversation. No once : ) Together, you will have to decide if postponing the Wedding is the more mature option or if Natural Family Planning is more of an option, but contracepting is not an option. Let him know that NFP is not easy and that it requires both of you to be on the same page. Also, that it is not you rejecting him, but that you are together doing what you believe to be responsible.
Remember that you are not enemies. This is the time to discern.
When my Wife and I went through Pre-Cana (Marriage-Prep) together, we and another couple at our table were serious about this process. There were other couples there that I do not believe should have been getting Married. You could see the guys with their arms folded and thinking this was all unnecessary and a waste of time. I wonder how many of these Marriage are still going strong? I do know that the other couple that were taking it serious are still happily Married. He is a Judge and his Wife works at a Pharmacy and they have a daughter. We see them at Church. It would be interesting to get a follow-up on all of the other couples that went through Pre-Cana with us.
Also important to my Wife and I was having a full Mass on our Wedding Day. We enjoyed picking out the Readings and music. We Prayed that this day was more about Christ than about us, but also that He would bless our Marriage. We Prayed that all of our gusts would encounter Jesus and experience conversion in their lives. We still have people who tell us that our Wedding was one of the most beautiful Weddings that they had ever been to. And we did not spend a lot of money. We simply put God first. And that is what we have done throughout our Marriage.
My heart says that I really don’t want to use a condom when I get married especially since I’m getting married late. But, your comment brightened my day! You don’t know how much I appreciate you and the other commenter for reading my story and offering me your input. I was so desperate for advice and y’all are helping to make me feel better. I really really appreciate that y’all offered to help out. I understand what it is like to feel like an ex-Catholic, but I think as of recently I’m coming back to my faith. I am still an ex-conservative though. Politically Independent is where I’m happy now.
First of all, before I begin my reply to you I want to extend what I have said to the other commenter to you as well, I copied and pasted above.
Okay, let’s get started. I appreciated how in-depth you went with your analysis.
Yes, we are both Catholic. No unequal yoking here. That being said though, I grew up in a more Catholic environment so there’s a lot more about the church that I know and understand better than him. He is very eager to learn more about the faith though, he says he wishes he grew up in as strong of a Catholic environment as I did.
That is a very scary story and I know the kinds of people you are talking about because I encountered many of them in online dating. My fiance specifically is ready to have children once he starts his career. When he was debating on going to get his PhD or not, he told me multiple times if he would’ve stopped with his master’s, we could’ve settled down right then. But we need to wait longer because he went the PhD route. I think that is the difference between him and the others. The others are all vague and “someday” kind of stuff. I avoided the “someday” people.
I am definitely open to the possibility of life. I think you misunderstood me. When I said I don’t want to start a family right away, probably my preference would be to break into the marriage for at least a few months first. But, I would be elated if I conceived on the first try.
We already have everything booked. My parents already paid the first $6K to the venue that we will probably not get back, plus all of the other deposits we paid. It is too late now to postpone it until after he gets his PhD. Besides, I would REALLY not want to wait to get married until I’m 35. What I would like is to keep our plan and have sex no condoms, and hopefully have a child slightly before we’re officially ready. I think we’ll be just fine financially.
I completely agree with you on this!!! His parents have a lot of money so he grew up with a different definition of what financially comfortable looks like. My parents did not have a lot of money (or not nearly as much as his at least) so I have a completely different perspective of it. He can’t understand that we can raise a child just fine on $40K-$60K. We just have completely different understandings of this because of our different household classes.
I think that I can convince him to replace condoms with NFP. It shouldn’t be too hard with how badly he wants a Catholic marriage. I will try to ease into it slowly. I kind of don’t want to be cautious about pregnancy at all though… because as I said we should be fine financially, we’ll only maybe struggle for a year or two.
Your sister and I have a lot in common. I’m vegan and politically independent, but a lot of people tell me I act like I lean conservative. I am wishing her all the best. It is hard out here.
Ugh, you’re right. It is just so scary to think of everything that can go wrong. I need to approach this really gently and really slowly.
He doesn’t threat anxiety, he literally goes through it. I made a comment out loud over Mardi Gras weekend that my lawnmower guy is so annoying because he’s always calling me to service my yard when I hate phone calls, and I also told him I’d reach out to him whenever I needed his services. (Especially stressful when I’m trying to pay for a wedding!) But, anyway, it was a fleeting complaint from me and my fiance took it way too seriously and made it into some huge deal for the next 5 hours until I finally convinced him that it is not that big of a deal and I just wanted to complain for a second. He was trying to solve my problem in a lot of different ways, when I did not need him to solve it. I told him in marriage, we better save our energy for important things (like this condom thing), not silly things.
He has admitted that he values his mother’s opinion over mine, and it is something that has bothered me since before we were engaged. I told him when can I take that role, and he said after she dies, but I don’t want her to die.
I need to not be afraid to share my true self, you’re right.
No, his mom is not Catholic, his dad is. My parents are the opposite. My mom is Catholic, but my dad is ex-Catholic just Christian. Although he started going to Catholic mass with us again for the past two years. Basically, his mom and my dad are wishy washy about Catholicism.
Our priest won’t even schedule the meeting with us yet, I wish he was more enthused about helping us. It is much to my fiance’s dismay because he really enjoys learning more about his faith through the engagement retreats and all of the discernment events. Our priest ghosted my fiance’s last two emails to set up a meeting. Poor guy, he’s dealing with a lawsuit right now over the priests that came before him. He is only involved because he’s the current priest of the parish, he didn’t do anything, but still he has to deal with all of this. He’s really busy and I don’t think that is the whole reason, but it’s definitely disheartening that he’s not supporting our journey as much as we want him to.
I know I need to respect my fiance because he deserves my respect. I’m so scared, again I have to do this slowly and gently.
Y’all waited longer than us to get engaged, but you still got married so early. I dated my fiance for 3 years before he proposed, which seems to be average among my peers. And I will be getting married at 32, which also seems to be average among my peers. What is not average is that we are not financially ready to start a family yet, and that is the part that is killing me inside.
I’m terrified to ask, but what age was your wife when she lost that pregnancy that you mentioned is common in old age?
Thank you so much for your advice. I sent him the Ephesians 5:21-33 and we will be discerning it and discussing our discernment tonight. I’m going to do the best I can and take this slowly and gently with a lot of discernment.
I agree that you should discuss it fully and be in agreement before getting married. Also, I think that some Catholic churches have mature Catholic couples who help engaged or newlywed couples discuss and discern things. If this is available where you are, it might be helpful. From my limited knowledge of fertility, I think that the chances of becoming pregnant the first time go down when a woman is in her mid-thirties, so putting off a possible first pregnancy till you are 33 or older may reduce your chances of becoming pregnant at all, but get a medical opinion on this, don’t just go by what I think I remember.