It’s happening. my brain is self destructing and my conscience is in free fall. almost everything i do is a sin and im constantly bombarded with doubts, intrusive thoughts and obsessions. particularly around demonic possession and blasphemy. my dr’s appointment got me a ssri increase but i still can’t get a spiritual director for one reason or another and im frankly, sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.
it doesn’t help the fact that some internet catholics erroneously consider scrupulosity a grave sin against the virtue of Hope. it also doesn’t help the fact that when the scrupulous try to help themselves, their help is cut off because their “help” is a sin (drinking, despairing, rejecting their consciences or even lifting a finger in the direction of their consciences) so their either stuck with scrupulosity or damned if they do, damned if they don’t. thats not to mention the catch-22’s i find myself in.
Just last month in extreme stress (and possibly psychosis) I took a knife and pretended my mattress was my conscience and went Julius Caesar on it, saying “why dost thou betray me?”. objects and glass was broken at the end of it.
You’ve mentioned previously that you’re autistic. Have you heard of “Autistic Burnout”? What about an “Autistic Meltdown”? I think you also said that you have ADHD? Have you heard of “Black and White Thinking” in relation to both Autism and ADHD? It’s well known that autistic people often have a very “rules-based” mode of thinking and are also commonly prone to OCD.
You’re fixating on thinking that you’re an awful person, when in fact your neurology is conflicting with your idea of what God expects from you and you’re your own harshest critic. I’m not saying you should be excused from being a responsible human being in all ways, but holding/demanding every single person live up to the same level of expectation and judging them for not being able to do so when they sincerely try is wrong on a basic level.
Not wishing to involve myself in a topic where two people have only just begun what looks to be an interesting debate but has the poster of the thread considered that not all “internet Catholics” know at the outset that he or she has scruples (they have not been told).
I don’t think the internet is the best place for individuals who are struggle with mental illness.
Do you have friends in real life that you can do things with, to get you out of your own head? I’m not a doctor, but I would think that not isolating yourself and actually spending time away from these thoughts might be somewhat healthier than entertaining these thoughts on social media.
I also think it would be a good idea to remove any sharp objects from your home! We recently saw a big-named content creator livestream his mental breakdown and it was not good. He claims to now be a Christians, but is definitely struggling with something (either from his past or something else).
I personally am not into all the “demonic possession” beliefs. I am naturally a skeptic. Yes, I know that Jesus healed individuals who were said to be possessed. And I also believe that if such a thig exists that Jesus can still free someone from such a thing.
I think I asked you earlier if you exercise regularly. Exercise can be mentally healthy as well as just good for your general health (if done in moderation).
Continued Prayers for you.
Na zdorovie!
You appear to have the habit, myself still in ratio of duration to others’ presence on this forum, a newbie, of sometimes making comments which consist of a profound element to them while also another angle which is contradictory and you have done that again:
"I personally am not into all the “demonic possession” beliefs. I am naturally a skeptic. Yes, I know that Jesus healed individuals who were said to be possessed. And I also believe that if such a thig exists that Jesus can still free someone from such a thing.
The insightful element is that you even suggested a demonic presence as a possibility; health-workers, these days often atheist, would shout at you. When in actual fact, it is a possibility. The Catechism states that a priest, deciding upon whether someone might be possessed, will at first send them to a psychologist to rule out that area of problems as a first-base. There needs to be an additional paragraph, because in totalitarian countries the likelihood of a psychologist saying, “No, you are not ill - you need an exorcist” is as likely as me eating tofu as a meat substitute. And I personally think anyway that other suggestions could be made than visiting a psychologist as a first-base, as the general rule. But yes, a demonic presence there could be.
The contradictory part is that you believe Christ said and did all He said and did but then make your own mind up over the existence of demons. This is to a degree, Existentualism. Be careful not to omit truths just because they haven’t happened to you or you haven’t witnessed them.
I find it interesting that John’s Gospel doesn’t mention a single exorcism. This is considered to be the account of an eyewitness (the disciple Jesus loved) and not a later synthesis like the synoptic Gospels of Luke, Matthew and Mark.
i’ve had meltdowns, and i think i’m in burnout. i often times defer others because i know for a fact that they are either better than me in some way or holier (depending on the person).
i think you forgot to press the “reply” button, because it looks like it was directed towards me and not cade_01
Yes I have and i sometimes live it. it seems like my conscience is either on or off and i keep it on all the time. if it’s on, scrupulosity happens, if it’s off, grave sin happens. it’s like it’s either scrupulosity or sin.
Autistic people tend not to operate on “maybes” and “we’ll see”. They want an answer of yes or no, with little room for grey area, if at all.
Just thought i’d throw this out there, i’m taking SSRI’s for the OCD and recently had my dose increased.
You are perfectly describing intolerance for ambiguity. I found the following discussion helpful on this topic;
You are at the point where your spiritual journey can begin. Now you are qualified. Those who are satisified taking pleasure in family, society, friendship and love…they are not yet desperate enough to receive what Jesus is freely offering to all of us. But those who understand, like yourself, that they have nowhere else to turn…they can in all ernestness begin their spiritual journey.
In fact, not only does the common man feel himself to be blessed with the things of this world. He even approaches God, asking Him to send him more of the same. And this they consider to be their religion. “Oh my Lord, I am so completly captivated by the temporal things of this world that cannot endure. Please continue to supply more of the same.”
But that soul, who really understands that our real life abides in the establishment of a living relationship with God, in every thought, word, and deed, and who no longer seeks to find happiness in the temporal things of this world - only he is ready to begin.
There was a pious man, a good man, who approached Jesus. He was materially successful in every way. And he wanted to be closer to God. He approached Jesus, asking, “I do everything nicely the way that I should. But I want to go further, to understand more, to come closer to God. What’s my next move?” And Jesus said, “Give all of the symbols of your material success away. Give it all to the poor and come be with me.” But the man couldn’t do it. He was too attached to the shallow, temporal things of the world. And Jesus said, that it was more difficult for someone in that position to know God than it is to push a camel through the eye of a needle.
In other words, only when one becomes desititute, devoid of the aspiration to enjoy the things of this world, that one can actually find one’s eternal shelter and source of eternal fulfillment.
Therefore it is said, “When God loves someone, He gives him everything he desires; but when He really loves someone…He takes everything away from him.” Because only such a person, feeling that he has no other place to turn, begins to approach God with a sincerity of heart, that causes God to reveal Himself to such a soul. Then such a person never looks back. He thinks, “I was looking for pleasure in pieces of broken glass…but now I have found the real jewel.”
In this sense, you are in a very advantaged position. But the choice is always ours. “Strait is the gate, and narrow the way, but few are those who proceed to therein.”
in a way yes, i guess i am ready to begin my spiritual journey. I just wish i could find a spiritual director to help me get rid of the scrupulosity so i can discern the priesthood, but no such luck unfortunately. (it’s also driving me crazy)
Basically, everyone is crazy. Jesus says, “Judge not that ye be not judged.” Have you ever met anyone who doesn’t judge others? What to speak of not judging others, people join armies and engage in killing other people because of the contrived judgements of politicians.
The only one who is fit to be a spiritual director is one who is spiritually accomplished. In other words, someone who knows God intimately.
It’s not that such a person can give you concepts. Concepts are good - but not enough. What we need is a change of heart - a change from the inside out.
Just like putting an iron in the fire; gradually it becomes red hot, acquiring the quality of fire. In the same way, we have to be in touch with a realized soul, in order to influenced by their higher vibration. The real representative of Jesus is not necessarily someon who has gone though a textbook curriculum on how to be a priest. The real rep is someone who has been re-made from the inside out because they have been tranformed through the cultivation of a living relationship with Christ. Textbook study won’t do it. Neither will the votes of men who themselves are not on that platform. We can’t turn a man into a saint through a popularity contest.
But if you really want to grow spiritually there is no blockade. You just have to want it. God knows your heart. He responds according to our desire. That is our little freedom, our free will. God is the ultimate spiritual director. If we want to know God, He will guide us from within in such a way that we will find our path to Him. God wants that for us, more than we can imagine. That’s why He sends His representatives to this world. We usually kill them. But He keeps sending.
All the insanity of our minds is a problem for us; but it’s not a probelm for God. Every soul is free to choose his sense of direction. God will do the rest. Wherever we are in our journey, is an indication of how much we desire to know Him. He’s not hiding. He’s waiting for us to want to know HIm.
People approach God for everything under the sun: health, wealth, political power, fame and fortune, success in the olympic games…when in reality these are all material desires of the heart. Jesus says the only desire we should have is to love the Lord with all of our heart and all of our strength. Those who approach God for health, wealth, fame and fortune…have missed the boat. Loving God is not about asking for anything - other than the ability to be a source of pleasure to Him. When we love someone, we don’t ask them anything; we are concerned about their happiness and how we can contribute to their happiness. When we are children, we approach our parents, says, “Give me this and give me that.” When we become adults, we say, “You have given me everything. Now, what can I do for you?” This is love.
This is the path that Jesus prescribes. He says, “Accept the yoke that I wear.” He asks for nothing other than to do the job that God has given him. Rather than ask for facilitation for his own enjoyment, he says, “Not what I want my Lord, but what do You want from me.” “Not my will but thy will be done.”
Very few have a desire to go that far. They simply want to approach God as a source of supply for their personal satisfaction. Recognizing that God has the power to supply us, to fullfill our self-centered desires - is a start. But trying to understand what will fullfill God’s deisres is the other end of the spectrum. That position is called “love of God”. That’s what Jesus is teaching. But institutions turn the teachings upside down - so they can retain the support coming from the members. So they can have a large number of followers.
What no one seems to be talking about, is that when one’s heart becomes filled with love for God, the reciprocation of love coming back to us from God - surpasses the amount of happiness that we can even conceive of. This is what is described in the 23rd Psalm: “My cup runneth over.” When our bottomless cup of material desires is put aside, and we cultivate love for God, all our material desires depart from our hearts. We see this reapeatedly in the lives of the saints. No one can understand them…how they are so detached. But they are not being austere. They have found the real key to eternal bliss of the spirit.