First, I want to say that I am in no way trying to be disrespectful with my questions and comments that are to follow. I am truly asking these questions in good faith, because I’ve lost my faith, and I want to find it again. I want answers to these questions. I want to find out that I am just mistaken.
I was raised Catholic, but fell away from the faith. Whenever I have tried to approach it again, I run into the same things that made me fall away from it, which is that I find it hard to believe that the same God who commanded genocides and committed his own massive genocide, the same God who would, for example, torture innocent children who happened to be born in the “wrong” part of the world or in the “wrong” religion and who died before being saved in Christ by burning them forever in Hell, is the same God who we are worshipping. I don’t think that could possibly be who God is, if God is indeed good. I think that either the Bible is in error or our interpretation of it must be. Because to me, the only alternative to that being the case is that God is a brutal tyrant, and I don’t think that’s the case. I do think humans are messy and capable of claiming to speak for God to further their own aims, or, if not so intentionally, simply project, without knowing consciously that’s what they are doing, their own fears and torments and inadequacies onto their perception of God and then that’s when we get this almost evil caricature of a God who is a destroyer and commands others to destroy in his name. But I’m told the Bible is faultless, it is perfect, it is the word and the will of God. Jesus, by comparison, is almost nothing like the God of the Old Testament. Jesus is always who I feel called to. But the God of the Bible is always what repulses me from coming back to the faith, because how could I celebrate and worship God when he tortures innocent children for all eternity for never being taught his name? How could I celebrate someone who demanded blood sacrifices? How could I celebrate someone who committed the largest genocide ever? Can I be Catholic if the only way I can rationalize these things is to think that it is more likely that ancient people were desperately trying to make sense of their world and their spirituality and their vision of God was thoroughly tainted by the tribal, morally backwards lens they viewed him through? How can Jesus be one with God and the Holy Spirit, when their characters seem so drastically different? I would love some perspectives on this, perhaps some Bible verses or even any resources like books or videos anyone can recommend to help me wrap my head around this and figure this out. Thank you for anyone who is able to point me in the right direction or share your thoughts.