So, this is going to be a rant post, so you’ve been forewarned. I wasn’t able to attend my men’s group this past Saturday, and I’ve kind of had a few things on my mind that I need to just vent about.
So, I try my absolute best to work on myself. I’m very well aware that I am a flawed hueman being, more flawed than other people. Believe me, living in this one-horse town, I am constantly reminded of how flawed I really am. I’m also reminded of my not-so-perfect past. I basically found out most people in my town are related to eachother, which explains why most people won’t even say “hi” to me. They knew for a while, when I was about 25/26 years old that I was sleeping around. And believe me, if you mortally sin, you basically have a scarlet letter on you in this town. It also doesn’t help that most people in this town believe they are “self-righteous” and have every right to gossip about me to other people.
I know part of the reason why I have problems trusting people is because, I’ve learned that a lot of people don’t have good intentions. And some of these people pretend to be nice to you, only for you to learn later on that they secretly talk smack about you behind your back.
I don’t have a lot of friends, I really don’t. I have a disabled friend, a Wiccan friend that I see often, a Christian friend that I miss so much and would do anything to be in her presence again. But, that’s it. Most of my days are spent here at home, living with my Father and brother who basically want nothing to do with me anymore. The only thing I’m good for anymore is being a butler. Anytime I clean up after myself or get more wood for the fire in, I’m praised up and down, but I’m never told by my family how I have a good heart. I’m never told by my family that I’m a loving person. And whenever I talk about topics that, at least to me are important, my Dad either get’s mad at me and says “We’re done talking…” or if the golden brother Zach comes down from Idaho and I start talking about my beliefs, it always ends the same way. My Dad looks at Zach and gives him a your-brother-is-out-of-his-mind look, and they end up laughing. And, all of this….all because I decided to actually do my research instead of blindly follow anyone or anything. All because I have the ability to question anything that is brought to my attention. I don’t want this….I never asked for this….but yet, this is the painful and agonizing truth about this world.
Those who know the real truth, not just something from a book, or from a religion, no knowing what is truly truthful and what isn’t comes at a very big cost: Loneliness. Cause the more research I do, and again, I don’t just research religion. It’s not like I make a living talking about how bad religion is. It’s more than that, I do all kinds of research on all sorts of different topics. I tend to delve into the Spiritual stuff more, because, I love researching Spiritual topics, but there’s some historical stuff I’ve researched (and man, people who are in school have no idea how much stuff is fabricated. I mean…History alone was severely messed with. I mean, even our modern day maps are totally wrong!). But everything has been messed with, our language has been messed with, certain books have been banned that have such precious information that even our own scientists would be baffled, Science has been messed with, even information pertaining to Health has sadly been super messed with. The fact that we’ve had the cure for cancer for literally years on end, and yet, they’ll never tell a doctor or a nurse the cure. And that’s one of humanities greatest health enemies is cancer. The only thing that hasn’t been corrupted too much was Math. And even though Math hasn’t been corrupted, they’ve been omitting information in that field that would probably bring more people back to Church (or at least old Churches, not these new Churches). I really hope they don’t do away with the old Church’s, because there’s so many beautiful things that an Old Church can do to help get the divine energy in your body to flow better. And in the Old Church’s you get faster spiritual downloads than you do in the new ones. If these families would have just left the Church alone, I’d probably be going to Church a lot more often, but so much beautiful and powerful information has been watered down throughout the centuries, that I just can’t sit in a Church anymore knowing what I know.
Learning the truth about this world is ugly. And I finally innerstand the reason why most people live in ignorance. Ignorance really is bliss. I was once very ignorant…..and I had a family that cared about me because I was ignorant. And all I wanted to do was to find the truth in all things. For a big chunk of my life I would lie, not just to myself but to others. I was always trying to be what other people wanted to see, and because I lived my life this way, I lost myself completely. And so, when I went on this journey, I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I really did thirst for the truth. I have told people once and I’ll tell people again, all I want is the truth. I could care less about what this world offers. This world has been nothing but an absolute pain for me. Having to grow up in a world where there’s sophisticated lie after lie, and falling for those lies, wow….talk about painful. All those times that I dedicated myself to my studies growing up, having to miss certain social events, and spending more time learning, and working so hard to get straight A’s. And then, when I question what it is I learned growing up, and all of a sudden, it’s like the illusion just becomes more real. All of those times that I spent chasing after knowledge….all of those times that I said no and shot down social events….all of those times I spent chasing academia instead of trying to cultivate a work/life balance (not that that actually exists because it doesn’t if you really think about it), and I did all of that work, all of that hard work…..and then, come to find out that some of what I’ve learned was completely a lie and most of what I learned being half-truths. And then, tack that on to my terrible past, and what a formula for misery LOL!
The hardest lesson I have learned was, that even those who you have trusted your entire life (whether it be your parents, or your brothers or sisters, or even your 1st Cousins) even those people can turn their heads away from you and want nothing to do with you. My family, which were the only friends I really had growing up (due to my stutter and now my mental disorder), even my family has betrayed me. The only one who hasn’t was my dear old Mom, but that’s because my Mother knows how I feel. She felt betrayed by her own family too.
There are days where, when I’m doing my research, sometimes I’ll look out a window and wonder what it’s like to have real love. Love that doesn’t judge, that’s not conditional, that’s beautiful in every way. I sit and I just look outside and I look at the animals, and animals are so beautiful to me. They don’t yell at eachother, they don’t betray one another, they stay in groups, and they seem to get along for the most part. Yeah, they might break out in fights here and there, but for the most part, they seem very loving. And most animals teach their children things that matter, such as how to survive day-in and day-out.
I feel so alone anymore. I only go out if I need to get food or soda, or something else. Most of my days I spend alone. Just me at my computer, with a few books that I read here and there. Because, the truth is, now that I’m not valued anymore in the eyes of my family, all I have is really God. And God has shown me, quite a number of times, that those who hold the truth, and I mean the real truth, are also the most alone. I know this is what Jesus felt like, and he had 12 disciples, but I know Jesus felt like he was alone. It’s not easy being a loving rebel. He questioned religious authority when he was down here. And Jesus is such a dear friend of mine. But knowing the true God and the true Jesus, some of life’s toughest questions I have found the answer to. And there are some questions that I haven’t found the answer to yet, but that’s because I haven’t evolved Spiritually enough to receive those answers, at least not yet. But, I will continue to work on myself and continue to become a better person with each passing day.
I have lost all sorts of things on this Earth, but because I have lost the love of so many people, including my own family whom I’ve trusted for most of the years I’ve been on this planet, I have also gained much as well. I’ve gained a lot of wisdom, a lot of courage, a lot of boldness, and most importantly the real truth. I’m not afraid of death, and it’s not because I have a death wish or am suicidal. It’s because, what happens during that transitional period, is so beautiful, and I cannot wait to meet my true Creator. Because the god that runs this world is Satan, and everything has been tainted by Satan. I’m ready to meet The One, and I’m ready to go back to the Unity Field, where every soul once was before they incarnated down here and on other planets.
But, time to press on and find out more truths. Back to studying.
. I don’t know if you intentionally are poetic or if this is just how you speak normally, but it always brightens my day.