Need advice about this situation I'm in with my parish

General
1

I’m going to try to avoid this becoming a long rant, but basically I need some advice about this situation I’m involved in with my parish. I’d really like an outside perspective from fellow Catholics, but if this isn’t the appropriate place I can take it down and post elsewhere.

I’m pretty involved in my parish. I’m a lector and in the choir, and until recently I was the leader of the parish’s youth group. I needed to step down for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I got a promotion at work, and the added responsibilities are taking up more of my time. I’m also planning my wedding (which will be at my parish) for the fall.

Another reason I quit was because the youth group is struggling hard. There are very few members that volunteer for activities, and several seem they would rather have it as a social club than a spiritual venture. As leader, it’s been an uphill battle to get people to participate. And the activities where we do have participants I struggle getting them to communicate with me for updates, leaving me in the dark as to what I need to do next. My parish priest also really wants to see it thrive, and as a result I felt extra pressure from him to have it succeed.

I never volunteered for this position, but was asked to do it by my priest, and when I agreed it was under the assumption it would be temporary. But, no efforts were made to find someone else and I couldn’t find anyone either. I had to set some boundaries (like my priest kept calling me at 10 pm to discuss stuff), and I really tried to make it work, but now I’m just exhausted when my new job responsibilities and wedding planning gets factored in. I haven’t been able to dedicate the time I need to God because I have been so busy with it all. Even when I’m praying in the church, people will interrupt me to ask questions or if I can help them. Plus, being the leader came with responsibilities like meeting the bishop, networking, etc., and I’m just not that kind of person.

I always try to be gracious, but I miss when I was an unknown parishioner and could pray without being interrupted or participate in parish activities without the responsibility of being a leader. I feel like I need mentorship instead of mentoring others.

After some prayer, I decided it’s best for myself and my spiritual life to step down. I did so as gracious as I could (although the head priest tried to persuade me into not telling the parish council). The council was gracious and understanding, so I’m grateful for that. I reiterated that if my schedule becomes less busy I could possibly start helping out again, but the youth group needs more mentorship and support from the broader community if we are expecting it to thrive. I’ve also agreed to work with the active members to form a youth council to help spread that responsibility.

No, after that lengthy intro for context, here is the situation I find myself in:
I fear my resignation may have stoked some tensions that have existed long before I joined the parish. The community itself is dwindling, as so many parishes are, and there are some parishioners who want change but the council is quite resistant and, like youth group, more focused on community social activities rather than spiritual ones. This frustrates some parishioners (including myself) who want to see the church thrive. One of them, who is a friend of mine, decided to also resign from her social media manager position because of frustration, and she cited my resignation as one of her reasons why. She says my resigning should be a wake up call for the parish and sent a lengthy message to the group chat about how the parish council and clergy is more focused on doing fun things for the community than expanding the parish to welcome more believers.

I agree with her on some parts, but I also don’t agree with how she handled it. But, I feel like I influenced her because before I stepped down I would sometimes vent to her about my challenges as youth group leader. I feel like I’m indirectly causing tension and strife.

People are texting and calling asking if I’m ok. I am and actually feel a lot better now that I don’t have the responsibility anymore. But I fear I have disappointed some, ignited anger in others, and bred resentment for the youth group members who are now being voluntold to show up to events in the diocese.

So my question is, what do I do now? Do I distance myself more? Do I throw my voice in (least desirable option)? Do I go to a different parish (also not desirable since I’m getting married here)? Should I go to confession for being the catalyst of this renewed tension?

If you’ve read this far, thank you for taking the time. Please pray for my parish.

2

First, I would love to welcome you to the forum! : ) Second, the General category is a fine place for your post. We have a pretty diverse group of members here form all different walks of life.

It sounds like you were/are quite active in Parish-life. What is the saying, “10% of the Church usually does 90% of the work” or something like this?

I don’t think having a social club is all bad, unless it is all social and not Faith. I think you need both.

When I was in High School I loved Youth Group (Catholic Life-Teen)! It was quite large (4 Parishes combined) and it was hosted at the Newman Center on a University Campus, so there was lot of Catholic, College young Adults on the core team, along with many young couples. What was great about this is that it gave Catholic College Kids purpose during a time when most young Catholic fall away from their Faith (myself included). And it got young couples, who are in that weird age where they are too old to be in Youth Group, but too young to fit in with the older crowd.

As a youth, searching for community, I wish CLT was every week, but it was only every other Sunday (I think to get the team a rest so that they don’t get burnt out). So I began attending a Youth Group at a non-Denominational Church on Wednesday nights in addition to my Catholic Youth Group.

After I graduated High School, I continued to attend the non-Denom Youth Group, because I had aged-out of CLT.

Then I went off to College and attended Mass a couple times, before I missed one Sunday… and then another… and before I knew it, I had stopped going to Church altogether. I would still attend the non-Denominational Church when I would go back home on some weekends.

In College I tried attending a Christian Fellowship Group on Campus, but as someone who was trying to be seen as cool, these students were the opposite of cool.

A girl in one of my classes invited me to attend a lock-in at her Church and that was fun. Sanctus Real, who later got signed to a big Christian recording label, played at this lock-in. They were just a small-town band at the time.

When I met the girl who would become my Wife (at work), she invited me to her Protestant Youth Group. I was probably too old to be going to Youth Group, but I looked younger than I was so no-one asked any questions. Plus I was pretty immature at the time. There Youth Group was different than any other Youth Group I had ever been a part of. They were genuinely friends (even outside of Youth Group). This is not to say that I did not have friends at CLT and at the non-Denom, because I still am in touch with some of them. Ironically, a few of my non-Denom friends are now Catholic : )

Eventually God led me back to my Catholic Faith through a series of events, signs, and individuals. And the girl who would become my Wife eventually came along for the ride (eventually, after we got past many of the misconceptions she had about the Catholic Christian Faith).

RCIA was fantastic. I would recommend any young Catholic Couples to attend RCIA (now OCIA I guess), even if you both have been life-long Catholics. Or if your Parish has a Life-Teen Youth Group, consider joining the Core-Team, because as Shan has pointed out, they need volunteers. And I don’t know that I would even call it volunteering as much as I would call it, investing time in the Youth and sharing the Faith & joy you have found with young people.

I would also be mindful that, though there are those kids who’s Parents are making them be there, there are those, like I was, who genuinely wanted to be there and craved more. And when I didn’t get it, I found it elsewhere (not realizing what/Whom I was walking away from—Christ in The Eucharist!)

When volunteering becomes like a job, it takes the joy out of it. I am currently experiencing this with the Knights of Columbus and my former duties as the media team at my former Parish. I don’t mind helping, but when there is an obligation, I get depressed and no longer feel like I am doing it for the right reasons (which is where I think you are as well).

I too am not a leader. I get that strong organizations need structure & order, but I’ve always kept one foot in and one foot out of most things I participate in for this very reason. And like you, I would rather remain invisible. When everyone begins to know me, then I become their business, which is not where I want to be.

The fact that you discerned your decision and it was not simply an emotional re-action shows maturity on your part. And though others may not understand, I totally can relate.

And just like some want Youth Group to be fun, I think we too want our sharing of our time and talents to also bring us joy. And there is a difference between fun and joy, I think the reasoning for each is rooted in a desire to not feel like something is simply an obligation.

You worded this perfectly. We don’t have any control over how others may feel about us. After the Covid lock-downs our young Priest decided he no loner wanted to be a Priest. They never explained to us why. They told us all the reasons why he didn’t resign (there was not scandal or anything). I felt like he was walking out on us, his Family. During this same time, a good friend of my Wife and mine had been unfaithful in his Marriage and was walking out on his Wife and five children to be with a girl half his age (who was probably more fun and gave him less responsibilities). I was hurt by both of these men’s decisions. And I think this is what some of these individuals are feeling right now. They are taking your decision personal and are feeling hurt themselves.

I do know that our former Priest is now a travel agent and traveling all over the world and having fun.

I think these are only temporary fixes. What happens when you get to your new Parish and get to know others and are asked to help? You will be right back in the same situation. The church is like a dysfunctional family. We will let people down and we will be let down by others.

We need to balance the good, the true, and the beautiful, with joy and a little bit of fun. When we make charity creatively fun, then I more are willing to participate. Others, who are super-serous all the time, will be put off by it though. No matter what we do, someone will be offended by it. There is a time and a place for everything.

There is a time to be serous. And there is a time to decompress. And both can be pointed towards the common mission. I love the Sacred Liturgy when done reverently and I love Stand-up Comedy, but I don’t like when Priests try to be stand-up Comedians during the Sacred Liturgy.

I hate doing the dishes, but if I make doing the dishes fun, then I find it more enjoyable.

Another thing that I find has really hurt the Church is the Priest scandal. Now everyone who want to share the love of our Faith with the youth is treated like a criminal (you have to get finger-printed and go through a background check, etc.) I get that this is done to protect children from sick people who suffer form various disorders, but it also takes some of the joy out of it.

I just started a thread to brainstorm ideas for getting youth (who want to be involved and are not forced to be involved) to grow in their Faith in a way that is both faith-filled and fun.

Absolutely. You have my Prayers : )