What if I chose the wrong vocation?

Casual Discussion
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I’ve been married for 4 years and have two small children. My wife is Catholic and we both have a good life of faith and a good relationship with its ups and downs like anyone else. But right after getting married, I started being tormented thoughts about whether I should actually have become a priest, since I once considered that path. These thoughts have come and gone in different periods over the years, stealing my peace, and making me less present for my family, my work, and in general for the present moment. Many times I imagine myself as a priest or a religious, living a life full of light, fulfilled, dedicated to others, in which work and vocation are the same thing. And I wonder if I made the wrong choice. I know that what I’m describing may sound strange to most people. Either it’s a mental issue or it’s the devil.

During my teenage years, I considered the priest vocation and even told the school chaplain about it, but that’s where it ended. Later in university, the doubt about the calling remained. On one hand, I was drawn to the priesthood, but on the other, I was also drawn to forming a Christian family. I was very involved in parish life and in the Church environment, and I met many priests. I always took the matter to prayer, but I never dared to take the step or even talk about it with anyone, because I didn’t have spiritual direction. The truth is that little by little I started feeling in my heart more strongly the desire to marry and form a Christian family. I had several relationships (some not very good), until I met my wife, with whom I was really happy and full of peace. I clearly saw that she was the woman of my life and that through her I could reach heaven. The truth is that after the wedding, these thoughts about the wrong vocation started to appear. Many times I wonder if I didn’t discern properly, if maybe my personality was more suited to the priesthood, or if I wasn’t brave enough and ignored what God was truly calling me to, and where I would have really been happy.

I would greatly appreciate some good advice on how to deal with this.

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I have a similar feeling when I order food in a restaurant. I begin to imagine what it would have been like had I ordered this instead of that. I’m joking.

Thank you for your honest and raw question. I think you are not alone in having such feelings.

The reality is that the season for discerning your vocation has passed. You chose the vocation of Marriage. You have made a vow before God and Family to your beautiful Bride. To abandon your family would be immoral. And Christ never abandons His Bride (we, the church). We are called to be more like Christ (sacrifice for those we love in our respective vocation).

We had a new young Priest who after the lock-downs decided he no longer wanted to be a Priest and abandoned us. They didn’t tell us why, but told us every reason why not he chose to leave. It was a punch in the stomach (as it would be for your Wife and your children if you were to abandon them for another Family (that is essentially what you would be doing). He is now a travel agent.

During this same time, our good friends (Catholic with five children), the Husband cheated on the Wife with a young girl half his age and has now started a new family with her (Still Married to his first Wife and on child number two with the hussy)! His older children have been extremely hurt by what he has done and want nothing to do with him. The younger ones visit him every-other weekend.

In both these cases they can convince themselves that God called them or gifted them this new path, but what they did was selfish (even if they can convince themselves that there are unselfish aspects to their decision to abandon their vocation).

I also think of time-travel. Some believe that when we make choices that it creates a branch (or parallel). If you’ve ever seen “The Butterfly Effect” film, you will understand what I am describing her. Perhaps there is another parallel where you chose to be Priest and there is this parallel where you have chosen the vocation of Marriage. I personally do not believe in this theory, but it is fun to think about.

When my Wife and I got Married, we had to choose to either live near her Family (up by the great lake) or by my Family (down by the rivers and valleys). Both are beautiful in their own way. We have since lived in both. And when I was living in one place, I missed the other (or felt calling to move there), but now that we live here, there are times when I miss living down there (and feel a calling to move there). I think this is natural. If only we could bi-locate like St. Padre Pio ; ) We are all longing, but this is not our home. I don’t any of us will truly feel we are where we are supposed to be truly until we get to Heaven.

I also think of St. Joseph. He was there for Mary and Jesus. Do you think he ever had thoughts if this was the right decision? Scripture never says, but I would imagine that he did.

I do not know if any of this helps, but making St. Joseph a patron Saint of your life, and sacrifice these thought to God, asking Him to help you be a better Husband, Father, and Disciple in this vocation you have chosen.

Perhaps @CanadianPriest might have another perspective, but from someone who chose a Priestly vocation and may have or know Priests who have similar thoughts of doubt or a sort of buyer’s resource (for lack of a better term).

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@Cade_One: thank you so much for your message. It has really helped me to be more grounded and aware of the decisions I’ve made and their consequences on others.

I also often think of St. Joseph and how he lived his unique vocation. I will seriously consider adopting him as the patron saint of my life.

I like to think that, in the end, it doesn’t really matter whether we made the “right” choice or not. What truly matters is that we are sons of God and that His love is infinite. He gives us His grace no matter what role we have in life, as long as we remain close to Him.

Your comment about the feeling of “not belonging,” which will only be satisfied in Heaven, was very insightful. I often think that behind all these thoughts I have, there is simply the natural longing we all share for fullness. I am currently reading Broken Gods by Gregory K. Popcak, which speaks about the seven divine longings, and I’m really liking it. One of those longings is abundance, which can be distorted by the capital sin of pride. The book explains that the way to fulfil this longing is by practicing the virtue of humility. So thinking also about these ideas applied into my life…

I live in a European capital, and in my case, I feel a call to live in the countryside—I don’t mind whether it’s near the lake or by the rivers; either option would feel wonderful to me :wink:

Thank you again for your message. I will pray these days especially for you, your family, and your personal intentions. May God bless you.

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I think you’re right about that. We can have more than one vocation at the same time (for example, I’ve been a husband, father, writer, and volunteer hospital chaplain all at the same time, and I think that all of those were vocations of a kind). Like Elizabeth Seton (wife, mother, founder of an order of religious sisters), we might have different vocations at different times in our lives. Some of my family members were in the Navy or Coast Guard, and for most of my life I’ve had an interest in and even affection for the Navy and Coast Guard; a Navy vet asked me why I didn’t join, and I said I guess it wasn’t my vocation. But if I had joined the Navy I guess I could have served God well there. So if you could have made a good priest, you can still serve God in your vocation as husband, and who knows? Some day you might be a deacon or priest.

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@Literalman Thank you for sharing your personal experience and thoughts about vocation. Very inspiring! It really helps. Sometimes I think we have learned to see vocation as a big door you cross when you are young, one that determines your entire life. But I like to think that God is calling us every single day in our ordinary lives, no matter which door we have chosen. And as you mention, there could be several doors at the same time or in different times through our lives.

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I am very sorry, @vehe, that you are tormented by these doubts.

As @Cade_One has suggested, it is always possible to doubt your choice or have “buyer’s remorse”. And, yes, many priests will question their choice to receive Holy Orders, especially in the first few years.

It sounds to me like you practised discernment. A discernment about celibacy and marriage is necessary before discerning a vocation to the priesthood. If your heart was going more the way of marriage, then it sounds like you made the right choice to not enter seminary.

My advice is to make acts of trust in Jesus that he is present and at work in your state of life, regardless of your doubts. It is good to pray often: “Jesus, I trust in you.”

May God bless you and strengthen you to carry out his will in your state of life.

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@CanadianPriest Thank you very much for your words and advice

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Great advice here. I would also mention that St. Francis de Sales addressed this dilemma in his “Introduction to a Devout Life.” Basically, he said wha is contained in the responses you received. I also wonder if this nagging come from the Evil One. Finally, have you considered a third order to join, after discerning the various ones? In many cases couples join the same one. God bless.

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@PatH Thank you very much for your comments. I heard about An Introduction to the Devout Life but I have never read it. I will definitely consider it now. Yes, some close people have also told me that the Evil One could be involved here (in my case, trying to attack my matrimony). But I think is not easy to distinguish between something related to the mind and the Evil one. There is a grey zone there, I believe. I do have considered a third order (my grandma and one aunt were from the Franciscan third order and I really love it) but, at least here in Spain, most of the members from third orders are very old, and could be strange and not easy to be there. I am of course always searching for the right movement/community to be, following God´s will. God bless you

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I agree. I think one can drive themselves crazy when they think everything is a spiritual attack. This could lead to a sort of mental delusion.

The Bible talks about there being demonic spirits and Jesus freeing individuals from them (Matthew 8:16; Mark 5:1-20), so I believe there are some cases where it might be that, but I would caution anyone to make this their default. Of course Pray that God delivers you from whatever might be causing these thoughts, and may His will be done.

Come Holy Spirit and St. Michael, defend us and protect us.

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Have you thought of becoming a deacon for the Catholic Church? As long as you’re already married you can still be a deacon. But a single person cannot marry if they want to be a deacon.

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I’m not Catholic anymore, but my advice would be, what does your heart desire? Follow your heart, listen to your Spirit. What is it that you want more than anything? And then, go after it! Your purpose is to be happy in this life. If you are not happy, you are not living your purpose. Life on this planet is too short to not be doing something you really want to do. Always listen to your heart, and make sure your heart and mind are in-sync at all times! Follow your dreams! Chase your joy! I know that whatever decision you plan on making, that it’ll be the right decision for you!

Always remember to be true to you. It’s never a bad thing to ask questions, but only listen to the answers that resonate with you. All it takes is to make one decision that can change your life for the worse. Stay true to you, and follow your heart.

Love you brother! Namaste :folded_hands: ,
Jacob (or Jake)