Often the people next to you don’t look at you or smile and basically do everything they can to not engage you, and then at the moment of the Sign Of Peace they turn to you to say hi with a fake smile and then turn off the pleasantry again after a few seconds.
Or they just snub you altogether during the sign of peace.
In my earlier days when I was learning mass, the snubs hurt so bad that I would exit the mass before the sign of peace because it seemed so cold and unfriendly or fake. It was hurtful feeling.
Then I learned to just fake it until you make it, and that helped some. But I still get cold shoulders sometimes.
Most Catholics ignore everyone at mass unless they came in with someone they are friend with or part of their family.
Liturgy is supposed to be about formalized, objective ritual, as opposed to the spontaneous expression of subjective piety. In the case of the Sign of Peace, it isn’t even subjective piety that’s being expressed, but friendliness between persons, which serves to disrupt the “vertical” nature of official liturgy which ought to be focused on God in favor of the “horizontal” aspect of community fellowship. I’m not saying that community is totally absent in liturgical celebrations, but it shouldn’t be the focus, which is reserved for God.
If people come across as incredibly cold and artificial during the Sign of Peace, it’s because the thing itself is artificial, and worse, redirects our attention to ourselves and each other when it should be on God. Further, by having members of the congregation spontaneously give it to each other, this sends the message that the gift of peace comes not from Our Lord upon the altar, but from ourselves, thus implicitly reducing religion to a humanistic ideology about being kind to each other.
Honestly, this is why the Sign of Peace among the faithful needs to be abolished—and one of the many reasons why I only attend the traditional Latin Mass. When the Pax is given, it is done in a highly ritualized manner that clearly illustrates how peace proceeds from Our Lord upon the altar and is passed down to the celebrant who passes it on through the ranks of the clergy. There is no need to fake personal friendliness; the ministers simply follow what the Missal says to do. And it’s all done while Agnus Dei is being sung, thus making all aspects of the liturgy flow together in harmony with each other rather than drawing attention to individual persons and making everyone feel awkward.
The modern age prioritizes so-called “authenticity,” expressed through spontaneous words and gestures, but over-emphasizing this always ends up being terrible inauthentic and artificial.
I find it incredibly uncomfortable. It does help me wake up when I’m exhausted with the kids but I hate it. I want to hide as much as possible and then all of a sudden everyone is looking at me. I think it should be removed for many reasons both personal and spiritual.
Jacques wasn’t asking whether there should be a sign of peace but how to deal with what seems to be artificial friendliness. “As the Lord Jesus said, it’s better to give than to receive” (that’s in the New Testament someplace; I heard it in the Mass readings recently). I don’t want to give a pat answer, but the priest says offer one another a sign of peace. So to me, that’s a little like going to Mass: I go to give to God, not necessarily for what I can get (though I get a lot). So I can offer a sign to others whether or not it’s accepted or reciprocated. A friendly gesture may give a little warmth to someone else’s day.
I am aware I did not answer his question. I just gave my input. I think the other poster replied to him better than I could anyway.
I would say we shouldn’t have to deal with the sign of peace anyway. It was meant as a sign of reconciliation and it’s not having the desired effect. It’s a nice experiment but unnecessary and it should be removed. Socializing comes AFTER mass.
If OP is so worried about mean and rude people, the most he can do is just be polite and if they offer a hand, shake it, else don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. He shouldn’t make their unkindness a burden for himself to carry. He doesn’t deserve their problems.
Yeah it’s like I absorb other peoples problems. Being a kind and outgoing person myself it’s like being taken advantage of. And it’s often people that come to mass with a friend who they chat with prior to mass while ignoring others like me until the Sign of Peace they act like there’s community when there’s not. It’s so phony.
It’s worse with single women. Since I am a single man many women act as if I should not be given the Sign of Peace because it will give me the wrong idea. A lot of single women will snub me coldly during Sign of Peace. It’s a mean spirited maneuver.
And there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m well dressed and good hygiene, tall and slim. Attending church. They act like I’m unworthy of the Sign of Peace or just too much of an awful threat to them. It’s so contrived.
My Catholic parish is really big and busy with a lot of visitors from out of town. People don’t really socialize after mass in the same way as local parishes. Like we don’t have coffee and donuts after mass ever. Most people just come alone and leave alone or come with friends and family and leave with friends and family.
But I’ve been to a number of Catholic churches and the Sign of Peace is way too often really awkward. Like I said before, when I started to learn mass I would up and leave so I did not have to endure the Sign of Peace.
I mean if we were at a concert or a baseball game and somebody was cold and unfriendly that makes sense, but in the presence of mass and inside a church that clearly inspires reverence, when somebody is cold and distant it is spiritually hurtful.
When Jesus was walking on water, he didn’t need the boat for himself. He did need the people on the boat.
I disagree with how people justify being cold and unfriendly during mass. In my opinion there’s zero justification for any level of cruelty.
Perhaps it’s a lot different for me because I have no friends in there. I’ve only been attending mass for around 5 years. A lot of you are in your right knit circles or some amount of camaraderie you must be unaware of it’s benefits.
The original purpose of the sign of peace was to forgive in your heart those who have done you wrong or whom you have done wrong towards. I actually learned this in a Lutheran book titled, “A Royal ‘Waste’ of Time” by Marva J. Dawn.
This was especially true when a friend of ours was attending Mass, the same Mass as her sister-in-law, whom they were not getting along with one another. I shared with her, that before she received Holy Communion, she ought to forgive this individual and Pray that she is able do the same (no matter who is at fault).
The Didache, which describes how some early Christians worshiped says the following:
Do not cause division, but bring peace between those who dispute. Judge righteously. Do not favor one side when you reprove others. Do not be double-minded when you consider whether or not a thing should be. Do not hold out your hand to receive, only to pull your hand back when you should give.
“Therefore, if you bring your gift to the Altar, and you recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the Altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” — Matthew 5:23-24
I teach my daughters to look people in the eye when they offer the Sign of Peace, and that the more important thing is to forgive others in their hearts (by name, even if that person is not at Mass).
I’m sorry your parish doesn’t put emphasis on getting the community together. As far as I can see, the handshakes are a lot different when they learn to appreciate and enjoy each other again.
Um, yeah, honestly I don’t even know what it’s like to be in a healthy parish. Where everyone gives hugs and love and BBQ’s going down haha
Mine is big and it’s the seat of an archbishop and it seems competitive. Celebrities show up sometimes. Sometimes there’s cameras and press and protests. There’s tourist and a lot going on.
So although I love my parish it’s just sorta different. I mean, I LOVE my parish more than any place in the world but it still hurts a great deal to not have much connection there! I can’t lie, it’s isolating
It’s probably less isolating if my parents were rich and prominent and donated millions hehe
I can however salute some security guards. They say hi.
I’m sorry to read that you’re having a hard time and are feeling isolated when you participate in Mass.
Have you tried getting involved in any liturgical ministries or any programs or groups that operate outside of Mass (e.g. Knights of Columbus, Society of St. Vincent de Paul, etc.)? Those can be really good ways to develop friendships with other individuals and families within the parish.
I experienced multiple communities with problems of their own that required to be loving and trustworthy, and honest, and true to myself to mitigate or overcome the obstacles of those who are not sincere and are invested in selfish ways. However, I would suggest to keep being your self and do right thing and be loving to those around you. Consultation and conversation can help too.
The fact that you desire more …is a good sign and a good start. Actually, other people want more too. That’s why they are in church. But they’re scared. So they are emotionally contracted. To be open-hearted and loving is to be vulnerable. That’s a stretch for a lot of people.
Sometimes, when I’m at the super market, and I’m walking down the aisles, if I’m engaged internally, in silent prayer, and feeling good, I have an unconscious smile on my face. And when people pass me, and they see my face, they start smiling at me. It’s infectious. If I wasn’t smiling, they’d pass me by, just like the people you meet in church. Someone has to be first to take the chance. Don’t give up. You can even break the silence, and say something like, “Hey man, please give me some of your love.” And you’ll be surprised what happens. They’ll start to beam at you. Because they know you’re right, like, “Yeah, that’s what we’re here for.” And they’ll be grateful to you, and look forward to seeing you again in church. And even if you get refused, shot down, Jesus will appreciate the effort you’re making. You’ll feel it. And it will carry you for the rest of the day. I’m happy you turned to me in this way. It’s your sign of peace, and I’m happy to respond to you with my heart open. Thank you brother.
We cannot control what others say and do. We can only control what we say and do. Rather than looking at what others do, look to the Cross. I have found that the times when I have judged the least are the times when I was closest to Jesus. We are to judge behavior and actions, and also remember that we will be judged by the measure that we judge others (Matthew 7:1-2).
One of the phrases that former Catholics utter is, “I was not being fed” or “I did not feel ____________.” How much were these individuals feeding others? We heard in this past Sunday’s Gospel, “The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few” (Luke 10:2).
And how were we not fed?! Jesus offers us “true food” and “true drink” at every sacred Mass! (John 6:55) And we are fed by the word of God (Matthew 4:4).
And what are we do do with this life that is gifted to us? At the end of every Mass, we hear, “Go and announce the Gospel of the Lord,” “Go in peace, glorifying the Lord by your life,” or something similar to this.
God is not going to ask what other have done for us, but rather, what we have don for others. Hope this helps.