I left a Franciscan Monastery early his year because there was toxic jealousy & back-stabbing. There was also a woman there who was dangerous and I did not feel safe. It was hard on me because I have been praying about & trying to enter for a decade and then some!
Now that I’m back at home I am struggling emotionally and financially. I always feel afraid now that I’m not living down the hall from the Blessed Sacrament. Even though my parents provide for me I am terrified I will end up homeless or even go through more abuse. I am riddled with fear and worry, but it goes away sometimes, just to come right back.
Is anyone else worried sick over money? Is anyone else terrified? I feel like chicken little. What should I do? I’m 36 and unemployed and looking for work.
It is always a terrifying and difficult period right after you leave a controlling group. I did this myself when I was in my late 30s. I am now 56. I did have a job, but it was not easy for me to connect and make friends, both because there was a reason I had joined the controlling group (i was socially weak) and because the priority of having only “good” friends was important to me. By the grace of God however, I found out that normal people are also ok.
In your situation I would focus on getting a job.
Getting out of a controlling group may be hard, because you traded freedom for security. Now you will have to go through a sorting process. What was good and what was bad? What did you learn, and what didnt you learn that you wanted to?
The phrase “be not afraid” and similar phrases appear in Scripture over a hundred times! One of my favorite verses is, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself” (Matthew 6:34).
I am sorry that you had this experience. The truth is that we are all fallen human beings (even in Monasteries) in need of the Savior, Jesus. He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6).
It sounds like you have been blessed with a good family. I think it helps to look at all the good things in our lives than focusing on the bad. When we Pray, thank Gove for His blessings in your life. Reflect on the many examples God has put in your life along this journey of faith. I know I would not be the Christian that I am if not for some pretty special people whom I’ve gotten to know. Some who are still here and others who have passed. My Grandma was/is a saint. Others who taught me what it means to suffer gracefully. Some who share the joy of Christ simply and not in a preachy way, but by how they live their lives with trust in the Lord. I am thankful for these and the Prayers of many whom I might not even know are Praying for me.
Talk to God about your fears and ask Him to help you to trust more fully in Him. And know that my Prayers are with you as you Pray, Come Holy Spirit.
Consider the “Lord’s Prayer”: Our Father Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”
Consider that these two sentences appear in order. They are not isolated. The name of God has all of the power of God. In the material world, an object and the name of the object are different. If I am thirsty, and I chant “water, water, water”, this will not quench my thirst. But this is not so with the name of God. When we chant the name of God, He is present, in the form of sound vibration. Therefore there are many scriptural passages that encourage us to praise the holy name of the Lord, with drums and cymbals, etc. Therefore the rosary is given to us as a gift, as a blessing. If we chant the names of the Lord, or of His eternal intimate associates, like Jesus, or the Mother of Jesus, our entire being becomes spiritualualized. Our hearts will change, our fears will evaporate, our anxieties will be no more. All that is necessary is to repeat these sacred sound vibrations with complete faith. Even if we don’t have complete faith faith, if we simply continue always having these sound vibrations on our lips, we will feel upliftment and our faith will increase. Therefore Jesus instructs us, “The name of God is sacred; and if we chant it, our whole experience of life in this mortal world we be enhanced.” “Thy kingdom come, They will be done……….right here and now, even as it is in heaven.” In fact we are in heaven……because the material creation is contained within God’s jurisdiction. It is not a place apart. It is within the spiritual realm. If we add God to the equation, Jesus says, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, right here on earth, as it is in heaven.” We have to cultivate the ability to live in communion with God, with Jesus…….through spiritual sound vibration. Then we will know that we are in the spiritual kingdom, in the here and now. It is free. No one can stop you. You have nothing to loose……why not give it a try. An hour or two spent in this way will will change your world. You will ask yourself, “Why should I ever stop?” But you will. This world is filled with distractions. But making this sound vibration of the name of God will become your home base, something to return to again and again. Praise the Lord by chanting His holy names. This is what hymns are all about. Making that sound vibration, that brings us in touch with God, diving and surfacing in it.
I’m sorry that your experience of that monastery was a difficult one that left you feeling hurt rather than edified.
Earlier in life (before Holy Orders), I also left a religious community. It was a disorienting experience that left me with a lot of questions (especially about my future). But the Lord did not abandon me. In fact, he more than rewarded the trust I put in him.
It’s hard to give you much in the way of concrete advice, considering that I don’t know you and that we are communicating in an online forum. For that reason, I would advise that you search out good friends and have a chat with a priest from your parish.
Finding employment will also help, though I know the experience of searching for work can sometimes be a disheartening one.
It is always good to pray. When I am worried, there are a few prayers I find helpful:
“O Heart of love, I place all my trust in thee. Although I fear my own weakness, I hope all things from thy goodness.” (St. Margaret Mary)
“Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything!” (Fr. Dolindo)
Thank you for that thoughtful answer. I was just singing and reading the Mass book today. I will continue to pray and sing to God all day whenever I can. That was a very interesting reflection on the Our Father. Cheers!
Dearmost Sorrowful, that my little words were in any way helpful or encouraging to you, is so uplifting to my heart. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Peter