ADVICE: Crush on a trans man


So some background first:
Although I was baptized Roman-Catholic when I was young, I have never actually done much with the faith. I put my trust in science; which I still do for all that is part of this physical realm, but I have also gained an increasing interest in following Catholic norms and values after beginning to question the existence and purpose of the soul.

So all good right? I am learning about the Catholic way of living and trying my best to follow it rigorously. Well, recently there appears to have been an altercation: I appear to have gained a crush on a schoolmate of mine who is a trans man (she is female but believes herself to be a male). We are both 17 years old and go to the same school. I am not quite sure what to do; the main question I have is whether the lord also sees her as a female, and would this then clear any possible relationship between us of sin?

I am thankful in advance for any advice you may have.

I mean there’s quite a few things to unpack here.

First, addressing your devotion to science, spend some time going through scientific discoveries in the past and present. Catholics has been at the forefront of scientific discovery from the beginning. Modern genetics were proven by experiments conducted by a Monk named Gregor Mendel, the big bang theory was formulated by Fr. Georges Lemaître, and nun Mary Kenneth Keller was a pioneer in early computer science. There are multiple observatories owned and operated by the Vatican. There’s a lot more to read about the Church and her involvement with modern science.

Second, going on with both science and God, you cannot change your birth sex. No matter how you dress, how much you mutilate your body, you will always be your sex assigned by God at conception down to your DNA and chromosomes. A person claiming they were born in the wrong body is a rejection of God in favor of one’s self. There are plenty of strawman arguments, mainly stating chromosomal abnormalities in less than 1% of the world’s population yet they do not change the facts.

Third, you should approach this general friendship with this person with caution. God has prescribed that we love everyone, no matter what beliefs or background they have. Sometimes this calls for tough love. Of course you shouldn’t go and shove opposing beliefs down their throats, but respect them. If they are open to discussion, then discuss it. Just remember Christ told us that we will be persecuted for following him (even by those who claim to be persecuted in this modern day). If associating and spending time with this person causes you to be in near occasion of sin or begin to try and rationalize sin, then it’s time to cut back and rethink how you interact with them.

Last, you’re young. This is a confusing time we live in, but the world has never been cut and dry. I’d personally just see if this person will respect you and your beliefs in general. If not, then your time is most likely spent elsewhere, such as in Church, reading scripture, studying our faith, speaking with priests, and growing spiritually.


Hi Chris,

First, I’d like to welcome you to the forum.

Here are some of my thoughts on this matter. To “rigorously follow” Catholic norms and practices lacks meaning if I do not have a relationship with Jesus. My first question would be why are you trying to do these things if not to grow closer to God?

Yes, there are scientific benefits to fasting and giving up unhealthy things, but we do these things to grow closer to the Lord, Who loves me, even if I did not do these things. When we give up worldly comforts and habits, we allow God’s grace into our lives. Often what happens is when I am distracted by the things of this world, I lose sight of God in my life.

Ask yourself why it is that you want to do these things? Talk to God about it. And if the answer is to grow closer to Him, then it is right and just (and not in vein).

In regards to your friend, first, God sees your friend as child of God. How your friend see herself, does not take away from God’s love for her. There is currently among kids your age. Trans is the current thing. It is such a trend that there are very few who identify as Lesbian these days. My brother’s daughter has identified as a 13 year old boy for the past couple years. She has changed her name twice. Her preferred pronouns is currently him/they (which is confusing to those who are not in and of this culture). I predict my niece will change her name again when she is in her early twenties, because the name she has chose for herself sounds quite childish in my opinion. But, I digress.

You are 17. Our brains are not fully developed until around the age of 25 for boys (biologically speaking). When I was your age, I was attracted to a girl who was two years older the I. She was a little more masculine than other girls. She eventually identified as Lesbian. What I would say to you is that there is nothing wrong with your attraction to this individual. However, I would not encourage you to pursue someone who is still trying to figure out her identity (or is easily influenced by TikTok or current trends).

You can still be a friend to this person. You can even say that you do not agree with her ideology, but that you still care about her (she might get upset though if you do not use her preferred pronouns, which makes it all the harder to be friends with someone who does buy into this type of thinking). For some, this has become a sort of religion for them. In my brother’s case, it has become very much like a cult for them. And like cults, they have cut-themselves off from the rest of the family who do not agree with them on their gender ideology. It is very sad.

Lastly, you can Pray for your friend. God loves her, in spite of what she might think of God. Jason Evert has a portion of his website dedicated to this very topic. I recently heard an interview with the authors of this book that you might find informative. And another resource for Catholics who are struggling with identity, and for family members who love those who are struggling with identity, is Courage.

I have a question for you though before I go. What does science say about this topic? Science and religion are not apposed to one another. Science tries to answer the question of how God created and religion tries to answer the question of why God created. This issue can be address by both science and faith. Maybe we can get into what each says about this topic.

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